It wasn't me
by loboazul.vival
Summary: After I found out that she was sick, I was reminded a similar situation. HORRIBLE SUMMARY. Just give it a shot


"I love you." I whispered to her through the computer. Clare was on the edge of breaking into tears.

"I know." She whispered. Then she was gone.

I took a deep breath. I had to process all this. The love of my life had cancer. _Cancer._ I know she told me not to go. That she'd be so mad if I did. But I couldn't help it. I had to go. I had to. It wouldn't feel right is I didn't go. She was my girlfriend. I had to be by her side.

I quickly called my producer and told him I was gong to be unavailable for the next two months. As was expected, he freaked.

"What the fuck do you mean that you'll be absent for 6+ weeks!" my supervisor yelled through the phone.

"I'm so sorry sir, but there id a personal matter back home that I have to go too." I quickly packed a duffel bag.

"Well, someone had better had died, Goldsworthy!"

"Not yet…But she might." Those last three words mad my blood run cold. It was a thought that I didn't like, but it was there no of the less.

"Well, um, take care kid. And don't worry, you'll get, half credit for your work."

This took me by surprise, I had been prepared to not get any credit at all. But that just goes to show you that there are nice people in the world.

I got on the first bus I could fine to Canada. I was practically shacking when I sat down. The thought of Clare having cancer was breath-taking. And not in a good way. I love her so much that I cant see my world without her.

All of the sudden I was thrown back into the past to the time before I knew I was bipolar. I had been so obsessed with Clare and forever. But this is different, I reminded myself. Last time I was obsessed with her because of Julia. Loosing her almost killed me. I couldn't lose Clare. But this time, I can honestly say, with no other motive, that I love Clare. She is my everything. After prom, I feel closer to her then ever. I know, deep down, that there is no breaking up this time. We would go all the way.

I grabbed my I Pod and put on "Not Gonna Die Today" by Skillet. It gave me confident in a way. There was on line that sounded like my current situation.

_No, not gonna die tonight_

_We're gonna stand and fight forever_

_(Don't close your eyes)_

_No, not gonna die tonight_

_We're gonna fight for us together_

_No, we're not gonna die tonight_

Thats when I remembered that this is the last song I listened to with Julia. My heart began to race and my breathing hitched. Memories of the fight we had flooded my brain. The screaming, the cursing, the car…. That dammed car! She was my first love, my first time, my first everything. And even though I love being with Clare, Julia will always have a special place in my heart. I still blame myself for her death sometimes. If I hadn't confronted her when I did, things would be very different right now. When I think back to that night, I can't help but sob a little…

_I had come home to find that no one was home. Cece and Bullfrog hadn't mentioned anything about going out. But I shrugged it of and headed to the kitchen for a snack._

_It had been a long day. School was a living hell for me. Every one hated me. I don't know why, but they do. The only light at the end of the tunnel was Julia. She and I had been dating for a year now. We're doing pretty good. I mean, I think so. I love her and I think she does too. Why else would she come over when she and her step-mom fight? Why else would she have sex with me?_

_I was taking a bit of my sandwich when I herd noises up stairs. "Its just the floor cracking," I thought. But then I herd it again. I got up and walked to the stairs. I herd the noise again. It sounded like a moan…. Julia's moan._

_I smirked. She being here was a pleasant surprise. Nothing could relax me more then being with her, in my room…alone._

_As I made my way up stairs, the moans got louder. Was she, getting off? The thought gave me an erection almost immediately. Then she spoke,_

_"No….s-Stop…Eli…."_

_This took me by surprise. Why would she tell me to stop? When I got to my door, I put my hand on the knob, but stopped when she spoke again, but this time in a whisper,_

_"Fuck…. Eli…..I th-think….Eli…"_

_I couldn't take it anymore. If she was getting off, I wanted to be the one that did it. I opened the door, ready to pounce on her. But instead of finding her touching herself, I find her being fucked by an unknown guy. _

_The first thing that happened was that the life left me. The erection that I was sporting immediately went flat. I took the whole scene in. Julia was laying on my bed, her chest was rising increasingly fast as she turned her head around and saw me at the door way. The guy that was on top of her I had never seen in my life. He was hovering over her when he turned his head to look at me. He looked nerdy._

_The second thing that happened was that I was seeing red. Red everywhere. I forced myself to walk in the room and grab the kid (_because thats what he was, as a later found out) _by the hair and pulled him away from Julia. She gave a sharp cry as I did so, but I didn't care. I dragged the kid by the hair, necked, to the door and pushed him through it. It was all I could do so I wouldn't kill him. I ran back up to my room to find that Julia was dressing herself. When she saw me, she hugged me. I pushed her away rather roughly._

_"What the hell, Julia!? Who was that guy? How did he get in here? And why was he fucking you?" I was practically in tears, but held my ground. I couldn't let Julia see me cry now._

_"Eli that asshole was rapping me! I came here looking for you and he must have followed me and-" she didn't get to finish. I grabbed her wrist and dragged her down the stairs. I opened the door but she yanked away._

_"Eli what are you doing?"_

_"What am I doing? I'm trying to get you the hell out of my house! I mean, do you honestly think I want you in here after the fucked up shit I just saw! You were enjoying yourself, don't deny it! I heard you moan and when you heard him you told him to stop! I can't believe you did this to me! And in my own room! I gave you everything, and this is how you re-pay me? I HATE YOU!"_

_"Eli, wait! Its not like that-" before she could finish, I shoved her out the door. _

After she left I burned my sheets and my bed. When My parents got home, I told them what happened. They were stunned. I mean, what else could they say? That night I slept on the couch feeling like shit. I remember asking myself: why me? What did I do wrong? The next day I found out Julia had been hit by a car. I felt guilty and gross. I had said some horrible things to her. They ad also been the last things I said to her. In my mind, I remember thinking that it was all that kids fault for raping her. So I tracked him down and destroyed him. I urned his entire room and left him a note saying that I would make his life hell for killing the love of my life. As the months went by though, I realized that it was my fault that she had died. Thats when the hoarding began.

Later, when I met Clare, I became obsessed with her. There was a predator instinct that said she was mine. That it was my duty to protect her. When we broke up, I felt like I was going to die. I became a maniac. I would have killed, _literally_, to get her back. But then I got help, and things got better, are better. I began to see things more clearly then before. I saw my mistakes. It was during that time that I realized that it wasn't my fault that Julia had died. It wasn't the boy's fault either. It was hers. Because she lied to me. She lied to every one. My I Pod changed songs:

_Let's get the story straight_

_You were a poison_

_You flooded through my veins_

_You left me broken_

_You tried to make me think_

_That the blame was all on me_

_With the pain you put me through_

_And now I know that it's not me it's you_

_[Chorus]_

_It's not me it's you_

_Always has been you_

_All the lies and stupid things you say and do_

_It's you_

_It's not me it's you_

_All the lies and pain you put me through_

_I know that it's not me it's you_

_You_

_You_

_It's not me it's you, you_

I got to Canada at 10 A.M the next day. I called Clare's mom to see where she was being held at. After she told me, I took another bus to the children's hospital. I got there at around noon. I was about to ask the nurse where Clare Edwards was, but then I heard sodding.

"-And I know I told you not to come home… but can you come home please?" Clare said between sobs.

"Ask and I appear." I walked up to her.

"You can." She said as if in a trance.

"Right after you gave me the news. Hope you're not mad."

She ran up and hugged me. I hugged her right back. She was the real love of my life. My Clare.


End file.
